Hark, I’ve discovered a discovery.

I believe I’ve discovered a new species of garden pest.

It’s not a rodent, parasite, or fungus…but it’s potentially way more destructive.

I know it’s unexpected considering that I live in suburbia and not some remote corner of the earth, but hear me out.

It’s small, with efficient pincers, and makes a high-pitched sound when agitated. It’s occasionally nocturnal, highly territorial, and has been known to relieve itself where it sleeps.

It is a picky eater, some days subsisting entirely on Cheez-Its or significant quantities of very expensive organic milk.

It has been known to remove petals from flowers, squeeze under-ripened berries between its pincers right there on the branch, or remove entire seedlings {roots and all} with just a small tug.

It can be sneaky, snatching more than it’s One Flower A Day allotment when homeowners turn their backs, and it has been known to be defiant when pressed as to exactly how hard one shook this peony bloom.

And in spite of it all, this species has been known to redeem itself entirely during the span of time known as “snuggling before bedtime,” in which it emits a fragrance so beautiful {and so exactly like freshly washed hair} that it can make homeowners experience a fairly common ailment known as parental amnesia.